A Broad In Costa Rica

Unobtanium? Hallelujah Mountains? Tsayhalu?

Spoiler Alert: If you haven't seen Avatar, see it before you read this. Expect to hate it so you can see it with low expectations. I did. Thank goodness.

We watched Avatar last night, at home on our 36" TV, sans 3D, HD or the IMAX® experience. I expected to yawn through it. Worse, I was pretty sure I'd actually dislike it. Intensely.

For starters, I don't like James Cameron. I can't think of a reason why other than that he appears to be an egomaniac. Why I would dislike a fellow egomaniac is beyond me. You'd think we'd try to stick together. I've thoroughly enjoyed his other movies: Titanic, The Terminator, The Abyss, Aliens and True Lies, which was filmed in the Florida Keys (some of my friends had bit parts) and proved he has a wicked sense of humor.

But Avatar. Could a movie survive such a buildup, then survive a rep for smashing all box office records to date? Survive being called "Pocahontas with blue people"? Besides, any movie that has to rely on gimmicks must not be very good to begin with, right?

"It is hard to fill a cup that is already full." ~ Moat

Imagine my surprise when he had me at "When I was lying there in the VA hospital..." I was hooked from frame one. A good solid story told with an unbelievable imagination. The plants, the bugs, the people, the weapons, the animals, all fantastic, wondrously exotic. Whoa.

"Don't play with that. You'll go blind."
~ Dr. Grace Augustine

The animation was wicked good: expressions, attention to detail (Jake pulling at his new thong), movements, from batting at an angel to riding an Ikran, perfection. I was as thoroughly drawn into this as into any movie I've ever seen.

And I believed it. Even though it's complete fiction drawn with an imagination run amok, the action and characters still have to proceed along believable lines within the boundaries of the framework set forth. Avatar did not disappoint. I was afraid the moment would come when I'd have to throw up my hands and say, "That couldn't happen." Well, that didn't happen.

"When people are sitting on shit that you want, you make them your enemies, and then you can justify taking it away from them!"
~ Jarhead Jake Sully

Maybe Avatar hooked me because it's such a solidly anti-war movie. If there's one thing I would change about U.S. politics today, I'd pull us out of all entanglements and bring our tribe home. Every single one.

As I was researching the movie, looking for quotes, photos, etc., I came across a few blog posts, comments and forums. Apparently, some people feel Cameron did a disservice to our troops, depicting our military as relishing the battle. But of course they do. They must. Otherwise, how could they stomach what they are doing over there? Is there a Colonel Quaritch commanding our troops? You betcha. Likely more than one. If colonels and sergeants couldn't muster a righteous enthusiasm in their soldiers, who'd get out of bed in the morning? 

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world, and in here is the dream."
~ Jake Sully

One of my favorite bits from the movie is the Omaticaya greeting: "I see you." Not like I see you standing in front of me, but I see into you, I understand you. I get you. Exquisite. What a concept. If the rest of us would take a moment to see each other, we'd live in peace.

And Happy Pi Day! I'm spending it watching Avatar. At least one more time.

TED Talks does it again. Absolutely Brilliant:

My 2 Least Favorite Things About Costa Rica

As you know, I hate to complain. But a coupla things are ticking me off lately. Like...

1. Gringo Pricing. While ticas and I are the same height, all resemblance stops there. Ticos see me coming. Like going into the local pulperia [mom and pop grocery] for eggs last week. A flat of eggs in Auto Mercado is 2,800 colones. (Eggs are sold by weight, but this is average price.) Well, Juan charged me 4,000 colones and these were not heavy eggs. Nor were they fresh.

Like at Spoon yesterday in Alajuela's International Mall, I ordered a Capuccino and got out my rojo [red, slang for a 1,000 colon note which is red]. When the girl told me it would be un mil setecientos cincuenta [1,750 colones], I almost choked. $3.22 for a coffee in Costa Rica? Me being a quick thinker and all, I said, "Tengo solo un mil." [I only have a rojo.] As I turned to walk away, she - also a quick thinker - said, "Un mil esta bien." She snatched my rojo and pushed the coffee at me. Ok, I can live with that. Since prices weren't posted for coffee, I didn't know the true price. At home online, I see the price is 1,075 colones. (And, no, I did not misunderstand her. I made her say it twice and even repeated it back to her. Grumble, grumble.)

Most of the time, I don't notice, I take it in stride and try to prevent the more outrageous takings. Lately, I notice. Maybe it's more obvious, maybe I'm just homesick for Key West. But if prices aren't posted, gringos, ask cuantos before you order, or shop elsewhere. At the feria [farmer's market], I only buy from stalls that post prices. I hate feeling like I got taken. Which happens if you aren't mindful.

Petty Dishonesty (P.D.) is rampant in Central America. I don't think it's considered "bad" here. It's simply an opportunity to earn a quick few colones. And it's not really stealing (unless you are all hung up on the 10 Commandments). If a tico thief is caught with less than $400 worth of stuff, judges let them go. There are practical reasons: Costa Rica doesn't have jail space to hold every petty thief, one of my most favorite things about Costa Rica. But it's a fact everyone knows which probably leads to continued relaxation about P.D.

If I'm going to insist on firing every maid who takes a bag of oatmeal, a battery or a can of tuna fish, I'm likely not going to have a maid. Almost everyone tells me this, I didn't figure it out on my own. As my last maid told me, "I never took books or money." There was no shame for her in being a thief. There was dismay for getting caught and losing a good job. The rationale is that I have so much, she has so little, so it's not stealing. She's helping me share. Gringo pricing taken to the next level.

And it's not just gringo to tico where P.D. exists, it's tico to tico, too. It's why, if one is involved in an accident, one waits for a cop without moving the cars involved. Even if those cars are in the middle of the road blocking traffic. Why? Because ticos don't trust each other to tell the truth about what happened. Fabrication for fun. Exaggeration is sport in Costa Rica. There's not even animosity about it.

Are gringos more honest than ticos? At the petty level, what I'd call "cash register" honesty, I'd say yes. But only then. We have cash register honesty drilled into us from birth (except for politicians. They'll steal anything not nailed down.)

Gringos certainly own their share of thieves, just not so much the petty everyday thievery. We prefer Bernie Madoff-styled heists. And maybe foreigners in the U.S. have to constantly count their change. But, at this moment, I'm sick of it.

2. You can't always get what you need. Or even what you want. Like real whole wheat flour. Like most vitamins. And no mega-dose vitamins at all here. Like real salt. Or just plain salt with nothing added. Even though it's mined here, they add iodine and fluoride to all salt, even sea salt. Argh. Like a host of gadgets: a dehydrator, for instance. You can't get these items here at all, not to be found even for a price.

The vitamin situation is ridiculous. You can't even pay duty and get vitamins shipped here - customs takes them. Last fall, they took my eight bottles of Omega3 vitamins, which cost $150 for the vitamins and $50 for shipping. Eight bottles for a family of four is not that much. For a family of one, it's not that much. But the sharp tacks at aduanas insisted I apply for an import license for vitamins. For 8 bottles. So I did. They denied it, of course.

So, they had the vitamins, they weren't going to give them to me for any amount of money or permission. What was the point of that exercise? And did they sell them? Take them? I'll bet they are still sitting there, rancid by now, of course. The entire point seems to be simply to show who's boss. Like me telling Morgan he can't do something "because I said so." Stupid.

Whole wheat flour does not exist here. What is labeled whole wheat in the store is not. For one thing, it's Betty Crocker-style ww: everything removed, the life bleached out of it, then some fiber, iron and "nutritional stuff" added back in. We guess it's better than white, but we yearn for the real thing.

We do have a few pounds of whole wheat berries and would grind those if we could. But, unless you buy a Vitamix here (for twice the price in the U.S.), you can't buy a good grain grinder in Costa Rica. We've finally given up buying expensive small electronics and equipment here. I have long suspected that manufacturers send their "seconds" to third world countries, because, no matter the brand, every small appliance we've bought in Costa Rica has failed in short order. We are on our fourth coffeepot in four years. The current one broke yesterday.

For everything you can order in - including books, now - you pay anywhere from 50% to 100% duty on it plus exorbitant shipping fees from your mailing service. If you can get the gadget here, it's double the price it is in the states. If you are moving here - and there are still more things I love about Costa Rica than not - bring everything.

Here's my question: who does all that duty benefit? It supports the customs industry, but anyone else? Does the government use this money (if they see anything over and above what it costs to run customs) to benefit ticos? It clearly does not. In fact, it only makes it impossible for the average tico to afford any cool gadgets. And if a tico can't get a visa to visit the U.S. (who can these days?), you can't even go there and buy one at Best Buys.

Some days, I yearn to walk into a big health food store and buy a couple of bags of whole wheat flour. To have that coveted dehydrator shipped to my door. Easy vitamins. Ryan to be able to get all the books he wants. In Key West, we'd buy at least five to ten books a month. Not now.

Perhaps it's the old 'merican "I want what I want when I want it. Which is now." But I can't help it: I do. In the big picture, it's a small price to pay. Right at this moment, I'm annoyed. OH, wait, I hear the girls:

Tengo Huevos ["I Have Eggs." Or "I Have Balls." But, in this case, it means eggs.]

So, I'm sitting here at my desk, working away, when I hear a loud continuous squawking from the backyard. I knew from my compadre La Gringa's blogicito that when a chicken lays an egg, she trumpets the news. This sure sounded like trumpeting to me! I ran out to the backyard and found Lucy* sneaking out from behind the old coop (where it's dark). I looked and here's what I saw (click on photo to make it larger):

Wow, TWO eggs. Oh, man, I was so excited. As was Lucy! She was holding out her wings and strutting around, still squawking loudly. I almost feel bad for taking the eggs.

I don't know if you can tell from the photo, but, when I picked up the eggs, you could see where she had dug a little nest. All of us were out in the backyard by this point, so we started looking around for other nests and more eggs. We found one other nest, but no more eggs.

So, two eggs! One warm, fresh out of the oven, the other cold. You know, I remember yesterday hearing a big squawking commotion but I was all wrapped up in something (putting up a new anti-war tshirt) and didn't go investigate. I can hardly believe I missed the first egg!!!

But, no matter, today we have huevos [WAY-vos]! Delicious, fresh, high-in-Omega-3s (because they eat kefir everyday) huevos! Of course, Hal couldn't resist pointing how these were $85 an egg eggs. No matter. The rest are free.

*I knew it was Lucy because she's the biggest of the two brown hens. Eva is the other brown hen, and Ethel is the darkest brown hen. I knew you were wondering.

It's Official.

Last week I spent four of the longest (and, surprisingly, some of the most interesting) days of my career in the real estate course offered by the Cámara Costarricense de Corredores de Bienes Raíces (Costa Rica's Chamber of Real Estate Brokers). If I'm going to plunge into Costa Rica real estate (and I am), I need to know what I'm doing. Or at least get a head start on knowing.

The course is remarkably similar to the one in the states. Good thing, because it's all in Spanish. At least I knew the topics. I understand way more than I can speak, especially when I'm familiar with the topic. I missed some of the rapid-fire personal stories and anecdotes. But when the instructors were talking about real estate and how it works in Costa Rica (or how it's supposed to work), I did pretty well. I also recorded all of it so I can re-listen to it in chunks.

This is the year I learn Spanish. I'm over not understanding what my maid says, what the clerk is saying, what jokes people are telling at parties. I know enough to get by, I'm on the verge of knowing. I just need to push myself over the edge. Here's the plan: 30 minutes a day of Spanish TV, Spanish you-know-what meetings (they got a million of them), talking a lot to anyone who will listen, and re-taking the acupuncture course in Zapote I started the first year we were here. Immersion, time for immersion.

While this course was remarkably similar to U.S. courses, there were distinct differences. The main one being that, here, there is no test to graduate the course. No test? When I found out there wasn't a test, no way to certify that the information got into my brain, I thought, "How silly to have a real estate course to certify brokers and not have a test!" But, in actuality, it's a much better system. Here's why:

I have pooh-poohed real estate courses in the states. I spent 7 days in the course in Florida to become a salesperson, big test at the end of that, then the Most Important Test in Miami to become Licensed. A year later, I spent 7 days in an almost identical course for brokers - you learn all the exact same stuff except they add in investment analysis - passed a test at the end of the course, then passed the M.I.T. to become a FL Licensed Real Estate Broker. Yippee.

Pooh-poohed because, in truth, you don't learn anything except the facts you need to know to pass the test. You certainly don't learn anything useful about selling real estate! The classes were only bearable because they were taught by Curtis Wild, the Yoda of Key West real estate. Entertaining, funny, cute, adored him then, adore him now.

Nonetheless, all that time was spent learning otherwise useless facts needed only to pass the test. Curtis taught to the test, he had to. Nothing I learned made sense and what I came away with were the rules one needs to know to stay out of jail: if there's an escrow dispute, you have 15 days to notify the appropriate authorities. You have to turn in escrow checks within 3 days. Your ads have to have your full name in them. All b.s. stuff you could learn from a pamphlet. NOTHING about how to sell real estate. NOTHING about why you need to know this crap. Just cram in the facts so you pass the tests. Anyone with passable short term memory storage can take the course and pass the test. As evidenced by all the scam artists with a real estate license.

And don't talk to me about the Code of Ethics. The foxes are guarding that henhouse. Otherwise scam artists and cheats would have lost their licenses and been scorned by their fellow man. But they are slapped on the wrist, if anything happens at all, and set loose back amongst their potential victims. But I digress. As usual.

Here's the biggest difference between the U.S. course and the Costa Rica course: the energy in the room. In the U.S., we are silent, staring, forcing in facts, nervous as hell about the test and possibly wasting the $400 we paid for the course. Looming large is the possible humiliation of possibly flunking the test and having to repeat it. The horror of possibly flunking it three times and having to repeat the entire course (I know people who did). The worse-than-death possibility that we might be too stupid to ever pass the test despite knowing plenty of stupid people who did. Serious anxiety. Flop sweat pre-flop. The U.S. course is all about the test.

But in Costa Rica, the room is alive! No test anxiety here. Everyone is interested, asking questions, telling stories, mostly paying attention. And the instructors got to teach their subjects! What a concept. Not teach to a test, not just repeat the critical elements you'd need to know to pass a test, but the entire subject. It was invigorating, and the very thing that made those four long days (8:30a to 6p) bearable and interesting. Very, very interesting.

Here's another thing: cell phones rang and people would answer right there in class, chat for a minute, then hang up! Neither the instructor nor anyone else batted an eye. That was funny in a peculiar way, but very tico: "Chill. I'll just be a minute." A cell phone rang at least once every 30 minutes. After a while, I stopped noticing, too.

Plus, there was internet available in the room. So, out of the 60* people in the class, about 10 of us had our laptops. I used mine mostly to take notes and look up words**... and occasionally Skype the boys at home. I admit, on the last day, I was so overloaded with Spanish, I couldn't begin to pay attention so I surfed the web, read my political articles and answered email. It's ok, I didn't miss anything. The entire last day was spent selling us on the benefits of membership in the Chamber. But there is no real benefit which is why almost no one joins. The Costa Rica MLS system needs serious work and an MLS system is the major benefit to being in a real estate organization. Besides bonding with your competitors.

My favorite part of the course was the first morning when we learned about property rights. Costa Rica's property rights' laws are pretty good for owners. In many ways, Costa Rica is still a third world country - take squatters rights, for instance. And I know as soon as I write this next sentence, I'll hear stories to the contrary, but, it seems to me that, as long as you can secure your property from trespassers, you have more than a reasonable expectation to enjoy it relatively free of government hassle. I like that in a government. Too little of that these days, especially in the land of the free where allodial*** title is a thing of the past. However: thanks to a certain liberty movement in the U.S., we could be seeing a return to Constitutional government there. Ojala!

Till then, I'm hanging out here. With my chickens. And my tilapia. Oh, yes, we have a budding tilapia farm now. Wait till you see that set up. You are definitely going to want your own pond! Meanwhile, enjoy a few minutes with Eva, Ethel and Lucy. They are getting to be big gorda girls. Surely there's an egg or two in my not too distant future.

*Excellent dictionary if you have enough Spanish to use it. You learn the definition in Spanish. If there's a word in the definition you don't know, you click it and that takes you to the definition for that word. If I get too lost, I go back to Webster's Spanish/English, but I use this one as much as I can.

**60 people in my course and they offer this every month. But they weren't all salespeople taking the course. There were attorneys, architects, interior designers, writers, a host of other businesspeople. They were taking the course because they wanted to know the information, to be educated about the system! Since there's no test, the door is really open to any interested party. I love that.

***The word "allodial" is not in Webster's online dictionary. Putting on my tinfoil hat and screaming conspiracy. But not too loudly... don't want to disturb the girls bathing outside my window...

Election Day Costa Rica 2010

You would not believe the horn-blowing, flag-waving, chanting, excitement in Costa Rica! The air is thick with it. Today, Sunday, 7 Feb 2010, Costa Ricans are electing a new president, as well as a bunch of diputados (representatives) from all seven cantons.

Costa Rica takes its elections very seriously and is as encouraging as possible, actually helpful, so that every citizen gets to vote (unlike some other countries who shall remain nameless). For instance:

• Citizens are required to vote, although no one is fined or jailed if they don't show up. So let's say, "strongly encouraged."

• Children have their own voting centers and their votes are reported as important news. It is part of their education from the first grade.

• Registration centers are open Sunday, TODAY, voting day, for students who turn 18 today and have made it known they want to vote THIS election. Yes, you can register on election day.

• Voting day is Sunday, when most everyone has the day free. Pretty sensible for a third world country, eh?

• There are seven people running for President from seven political parties. What a concept. You can belong to any party and have a place on the ballot. Wow. Let that settle in. I have no clue how one goes about inventing a political party, but if you have a plan to reform Costa Rica, pick a name and go for it: National Liberation Party, Social Christian Unity Party, Costa Rica Renovation Party, Libertarian Movement Party (go, Otto), Accessibility without Exclusion Party, Citizen Action Party, and the Broad Front Party. [It looks like there are two other candidates: Araya and Muñoz. I can't find any info on them, but they are showing up in the count. Hmmm.]

• Candidates can't run TV ads today, but the news channels are running biographies of each candidate. I notice in the "unbiased" reporting footage that Laura's green and white flags dominate... but I'm going to overlook that.

• Inmates are encouraged to vote and have their own urnas (voting stations). Women in the El Buen Pastor women's facility were interviewed; some had never voted before!

• Patients in Hospitals were voting as well.

• They had a station set up in a casa de ancianos [old folks home] for the residents. A reporter asked an attendant which candidate had gotten the most votes. The attendant answered that she wasn't about to count votes until 6:00 when the voting was officially over. Harrumph!

• The oldest voter in Costa Rica today is 109 years old.

Here's how it works, according to another friend: the polls close at 6PM, at which time the table attendants will count the votes and relay their count to the Tribunal Supremo de Elecciones (TSE).  The TSE will publish results as they come in after 7PM and you can watch the tally on its website. TV and radio will be broadcasting as well. I found live coverage on Teletica, the local TV station. (I have to watch online since my TV has been commandeered by my teens and a friend, drinking beer and watching the Superbowl. Where did I go wrong?) The winner* should be known around midnight.

*To win, a candidate must receive at least 40% of the vote. If no one gets at least 40% of the vote, there will be a run-off election in April between the top two. Laura Chinchilla, Arias' former V.P., is the favorite. But my guy, Otto Guevara, the Libertarian candidate, has been coming on strong and many believe there will be a run off... in which case many believe Otto will win.

Here's a taste of my guy, start at minute 7:45, continue to part 5:

Costa Rica's citizens are keenly interested in the outcome, not ambivalent or the least bit jaded. As a friend in Alajuela said, "Stands are set up along the road for the political parties. Adults and kids waving flags. People everywhere are excited. It's a great day to be in CR." Indeed it is. If Otto wins - and I know it's a long shot - it will be a very interesting time to be in Costa Rica! Not only livin' la pura vida, but with a Libertarian president. Yummy.

UPDATE 8:45pm and no yummy likely, short of a miracle. With 11.3% of the votes in so far, Laura has 48.7% of those votes. Otton Solis (who almost beat Arias in 2006) has 22.5% and Otto only has 21.3%. [Pause for effect.] Oh, what the heck, I believe in miracles.

UPDATE 8:50pm... More bad news: the Saints beat the Colts. Sister Jean led me astray. I wouldn't ordinarily care, but I bet Hal $1,000,000 that the Colts would win. And I generously gave him 5 points. I'm definitely going to need that miracle.

UPDATE 10:45pm It's pretty much all over but the fat lady's song and hearing that will just annoy the life out of me. The roar of the celebration fireworks from Laura's platform at Sabana Park all the way down in San José is deafening. I'm going to bed. Feh!

UPDATE 6am The Morning After: Here's the final score with 94.6% of the votes in (elections are decided based on a straight popular vote here). Laura won with 46.8%, Otton came in second with 25.2% and Otto third with 20.8%. Socialismo, here we come!

I shouldn't be surprised. Costa Rica has taken care of its citizens for so long, the term personal liberty has no meaning here. They feel free (as do we) and, really, life is good. I'm going to try to keep an open mind.

Annual Report

Wow. Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That's so nice, actually, because I can no longer remember yesterday.

PHOTO: We got married in Key West on our dock at sunset. We lived in a mobile home with this view. Actually, it was a '69 travel trailer with permanent tip-outs and an enclosed porch. What a spot, eh? OH, and here's our song:

Funny, that song is about living some sorta crazy fantasy... speaking of which, last Thursday was the 4th anniversary of our touchdown in Costa Rica. I know I just said this, but, man, were we newbs or what? I remember that day, too. Landing with all that luggage at Juan Santa Maria International Airport. We were culture-shocked immediately: less than 60 days earlier we'd had no thought of moving anywhere. Then, BOOM, foreign country. Four-rin. Everything about being here, everywhere we looked, just flat out strange.

And Marco, the owner of the Amistad Institute where we were scheduled to start Spanish lessons the very next morning, picked us up at the airport! He'd never met us, yet he came to the airport to pick us up, on a Sunday afternoon. Our newbieness must have been awesomely obvious even over the phone. OK, he had a vested interest in seeing we got settled in safely with all our stuff intact. But that's not why he did it, and I'm sure he's done it for others. He did it because he is a kind person. Not only was it a glimpse into Marco's soul, but our very first taste of the tico heart. Marco and the Amistad Institute hold a hot spot in ours. I am grateful for his generosity of spirit, and for the universe nudging us in his direction.

Looking back, we weren't so much running to as running from. (Which is basically how I've gotten everywhere I've been.) Running from four hurricanes in a row. From no paycheck in 8 months and not a one on the way. From the IRS, who'd broken so many of its own rules in our then-fledgling civil tax case, that we were scared and sick of being so. And, while Costa Rica offers absolutely zero protection from an over-reaching and abusive home government, at least mine might have some bureaucratic hassles getting to me... maybe. Come to think of it, our biggest disappointment with Costa Rica is its utter lack of interest in maintaining its USP. It really wants to be a little USA. Or a little China, whoever is offering the most money.

Dear God, please let Otto Guevara win Costa Rica's presidential election 4 Feb!

And, as long as I'm dreaming, hey, Costa Rica, stop poisoning your waters, your land, and your people. Legalize and grow hemp, shut out Monsanto which will first kill your farming, then your farmers ala India. Don't sell out for the short term money. Be bold, be prosperous.

And, least important at the time, running from Bush II's perpetual war to a beautiful, peaceful country with no army. Truth be told, if Ron Paul had won the 2008 election, we'd probably be living back in the states right now. And while we I had hope for Obama, we are happy to stay away from his equally war-mongering deficit-building oil-hungry big-gov-is-good-gov administration. Feh!

Am I happy to be living in Costa Rica? Yes. But probably not for the right reason. Mostly I'm happy to be here because it's not there. The right reason would be to live in Costa Rica because it's Costa Rica and not because it's not the U.S.

That said, let me say this, too: I love my Costa Rica life. I love speaking Spanish, life's simplicity, the colors, the mountains, the weather, my house, my view, my friends, my chickens. The fact I can decide to have chickens, then just run out and get me some without asking some bureaucrat's permission. Some bureaucrat who, in the states, would not appreciate chickens.

I've finally started nesting in my house. Took me long enough. I painted walls and hung pictures. We are here. And why not? It's not there, and despite my very few disappointments in here, despite how much here may want to be there, it never will be. Sweetness.

Here's a new development (do those ever stop?): we are starting to look into intentional communities. A few friends are interested, so we are investigating. Maybe join one that is already en tramite (in process), maybe form our own. There will be blogs about that, you betcha: gardening, chickening, kefiring... looking at the next 50 years.

Meanwhile, to celebrate our anniversary, Hal and I decided to stay married. Whee!

And we bought one of those big plastic pools to sub in as our first tilapia pond. I wonder if fish can eat through vinyl. Did you know that tilapia are mouth breeders? There's something I never knew. I never even knew there was such a thing as a mouth breeder. You just don't run into many of those.

And did you know that, to prepare the pond water before you add the tilapia, you use chicken poop to start up the algae machine? Now, that is what I call handy!

Getting Directions in Costa Rica:

This was produced at the Universidad Veritas. Wow. Doesn't seem very third world now, does it?

The Power of Paper: el parte dos

Like the last time I ventured alone into the disturbing netherworld of Costa Rican bureaucracies, by the end of this adventure (trying to get Morgan his driver's permit) I got back home wanting to cry, then choke something, with just a smidge of incredulity thrown in. Not incredulous that seeking The Final Stamp is so frustrating. That's a given, I accept that. Incredulous that I got sucked so easily into the vortex, led by the invisible (to me) ring in my nose through all manner of hoops until I was sure it was me who was unreasonable. Haha.

I swear it's like that. Go ahead, move here. You'll see.

8:15a Wednesday morning. After dropping Ryan at gym class, Morgan and I arrive at Cosevi in La Uruca, the sprawling government complex for all things driver's license. I pulled over in front of the gwatchyman (guard/watchman, the parking guy) to ask where to park. But another man immediately stepped up and asked if necesitan ayuda (do we need help)? If you don't speak Spanish, don't know the ropes and didn't bring your own helper, you want one of these guys to help, at least get you started.

After reading this, you will know that what you really need is a helper... I do. I was feeling all competent after being able to renew my driver's license so easily. Anyway.

Our guy directs us to a different building a little further up the road where Mo gets his documentos, blood test, and eye exam, all for just 20,000 colones. (I find out later there are several places around where you get all that done for 10,000 colones. Sigh. Si habla español, you will save so much money, trust me on this.)

By 9a, Morgan has gotten his initial paperwork from an efficient young woman at the front desk, had his blood typed* and passed his eye exam: 20/20. Ah, to be young. While Mo was in line for the eye exam, he chatted with a young woman who mentioned stopping at the bank to pay the license fee on her way back to Cosevi. We have to stop at the bank? Ok.

After the eye exam, on the way out the door, I ask Miss Efficient necesitamos ir al banco (do we need to go to the bank)? She says no to the bank, but informs us that Mo needs copies of both his passport and of the document she just gave him 20 minutes ago. I ask where can I get those copies, please? What a coincidence: she can sell me copies, we'll just need to wait our turn in her line. Again.

Now, why, after we waited in her line the first time, sat at the chair in front of her desk, gave her 20,000 colones for which she gave us the document on which she'd written Mo's passport number, which she got from - you guessed it - his passport which she was holding in her hand... why didn't she sell us copies then?

It is pointless to ask this, that much I know for sure. I assume I offended someone (been known to happen) and this is payback. I am suspicious now of any info she gives me, but will figure it out as I go along. (I'm clearly still way naive about my ability to "figure it out as I go along." Dumb may be the more precise word.)

Mo goes to the end of the line, which is now twice as long as it was the first time. Half an hour later, we are on our way back to Cosevi with los documentos originales y las copias.

9:30a: The Cosevi line, into the actual driver's license office, is out the door, easily a 30-60 minute wait. As we step in line, a nice guard lady walks up and asks what we need. We tell her Mo's looking to get his driver's permit (permiso para aprender a manejar). She looks at our paperwork, nods her head yes with a big smile and walks away. Good! At least we know we are on the right track. I leave Mo there and head off to get Ryan from gymnastics.

At 10:15a, Ryan and I arrive back at Cosevi just as Mo is just walking out. He does not look triumphant. Turns out, he got to the door and discovered he needs his original passport in hand. Of course, I should know this. Everyone** has to see the original passport, no matter that the first person who saw it vouched to the fact in writing on the official document. Everyone needs to see it. Fortunately, I have it. We head back to the door, skipping the line.

The nice guard lady is there, checking paperwork before people are allowed into the sanctuary. We show her the passport. She smiles, then looks at our paperwork again. Then she asks, "Donde esta su póliza de seguros y su receta del banco?" (Where is your insurance policy and your BANK RECEIPT?)

Remaining calm, I ask, "Póliza de seguros? El necesita una póliza de seguros?" He needs an insurance policy? I did not roll my eyes or mutter wtf, but it was all I could do to stop myself. Proof that I am still in control.

She smiles, "Si!" Then she explains that all drivers-in-training need this. Ok, at least this makes sense. Plus, we do need to pay 5,000 colones at the bank for the permit. I swallowed the prolonged whine at the tip of my tongue re. having asked the bank question of Little Miss Efficiency at la oficina de documentos. Still in control. "Par for the course," I tell myself. We thank Ms. Guard and head out.

Una póliza de seguros is not that simple to procure. For one thing, that's gonna be real money. And another bureaucracy. Oy vey. But at least I can do the bank - it's right around the corner.

10:40a and we are now in line at the bank. By 11a, we are in front of the teller. She looks at us expectantly (uh oh). We tell her we are here to pay for mi hijo's license (I'm not even trying to pretend I speak Spanish anymore.) She asks for the paperwork. I push it under the glass. She looks it over, then asks - you are going to love this - if he's passed the test?

"Que examen?" I ask, a smidge too loudly. She can see my frustration (because she's a Rhodes scholar and not because anyone in their right mind would be taking a step back from me) and patiently explains that Mo has to pass a test. I tell her everywhere we've been, we've been told something different to do. The teller nods sympathetically. I continue in Spanglish: "Like the inefficient señorita at la oficina medico?" (She nods.) "Like la guarda at Cosevi?" She nods. Because she knows. She tells me to wait, she will bring me the phone number that you call to make an appointment to take the test. She asks if we have the booklet to study. Mo says he does - we thought that was the booklet for the driving test, not for the learner's permit.

She takes our 5,000 colones, gives us the coveted receta, leaves for a moment, comes back with the phone number. She smiles nicely, confidently. We adios, feeling perhaps now, maybe, we are on the right track.

11:30a, we are back home. Actually, three and a half hours is not a bad Costa Rican bureaucratic time sink***.  Mo goes to the phone and calls for an appointment to take the test. The guy on the phone asks for his cedula number, his passport number, name, phone number, date of birth, address, favorite color and shoe size. Then he tells Mo to come down to the office to make the appointment. Mo, with a sweet teenage wtf written all over his face, asks if he can't make the appointment over the phone? The guy says, "Oh, no, no hacemos citas por telefono. Usted necesita venir al oficina." No appointments over the phone, silly. You have to come to the office.

"Donde está su oficina?" Mo asks. Gets answer, eye roll, a gracias and hangs up. Where is the office? Cosevi in La Uruca, of course.

WTF.

*His results say O+. I thought he was A+. While I'm waiting for Mo to have his eye exam, I notice that the results for next three people who walk out of the blood test say O+. Perhaps we will have Mo's blood tested again.

**This is important and worth repeating (although it didn't help me - I forgot!) Whenever you do anything bureaucratic in Costa Rica, take all your original documents and at least two copies of everything. If there are pertinent stamps in your passport, make sure you copy those pages, too. The bureaucracy will not make copies - most of them don't have copy machines. And if there is one in that department, it won't be at your desk. It will be a few desks down and you'll have to wait in line in front of that desk, get your copies done for a small fee and come back. So be sure to bring all originals and at least two copies.

***Hal spent six hours at migración once. He arrived in the morning on time for his appointment. They said wait over there, we'll get your file and call you. Six hours later, he was told they couldn't find the file and could he come back in two days?

DESPERATE Sellers

Seriously desperate. Not I'm-a-real-estate-broker-looking-for-a-sale desperate (like in regular real estate sales' pitches), but two honest-to-God I'm-a-seller-and-gotta-sell-this-house desperate. So seriously desperate, the sellers said I could say "seriously desperate." I'm posting the info on my personal blog and risking reader wrath in the off-chance one of you knows someone shopping for Costa Rica property. If you do, please alert them. Seriously.

#1 San Rafael de Heredia: Two Houses for the price of One + a Car. (Two houses and a car!) Asking $150,000, MAKE AN OFFER. The houses are in excellent shape and very comfortable by U.S. standards: high ceilings, big windows, lots of wood, great floor plan, appear to be very well-built (you can have an inspection to verify condition), beautifully maintained. Big yard, plenty of room for chickens (critically important, if you ask me) as well as a garden.

You'd have to work hard to find a more picturesque little town than San Rafael, especially this close to the capital city of San José. You'll find everything you need for day to day living. For everything else, you are 10 minutes from downtown Heredia, and 20-30 from downtown San José (and another 5-10 minutes to my house)!

Heredia is a college town with a Pricesmart, an Auto Mercado, it's own mercado central and the grand Paseo de las Flores mall. San José has Teatro Nacional, Melico Salazar, Mercado Central, Tin Jo, Namú Galleria, all practically at your fingertips!

See photos and specific details at WeLoveCostaRica.com or on CostaRicaScout.com.

#2 Barreal de Heredia: Cute Brand-New Townhome near Cariari Mall! Asking $75,000, MAKE AN OFFER! This home was built new in 2008 to North American standards: cement block construction, tile floors, quality fixtures, grounded electrical, quality plumbing. Still needs $5K to $10K to complete, but all materials are on site, it's protected from the elements, and the current owner lives there quite comfortably. What's been done to date is top notch.

Barreal de Heredia is a great little town, close to everything yet a very quiet neighborhood. Fifteen minutes to the airport, 20 to downtown Heredia or San José, 30 to Escazú. Cariari Country Club with its golf, tennis and pool is just around the corner.

BONUS: A good friend just bought the townhome next door. He paid just over $100K including furniture and appliances (that is included here, as well.) Having a trusted built-in neighbor in Costa Rica is a gigantic bonus!!!

See photos and specific details at CostaRicaScout.com.

Spread the word, need a buyer. Oh, in case I forgot to say it: MAKE AN OFFER. Thanks!