A Broad In Costa Rica

"It's how we do it."

I am posting this morning via my new hi-speed internet service from Amnet, one of the two cable companies here. YAHOO!!!! We have been using WiMAX, a wireless signal shot from a huge tower on the mountain behind us. The plan is to provide WiMAX to the entire country, which is way better than no internet. Which is what the majority of the country has now. In a country thick with mountains, rainforest and jungle, wireless is the answer. Stringing cable and phone lines is problematic for obvious reasons. What we from developed nations don't consider is that the cable frequently gets stolen after you've gone through the trouble of installing it into remote areas.

The downside to WiMAX is that, even though we can see the tower, we've never gotten the speed we are paying for. Plus it's unreliable and spotty. When it's your only choice, you are darn grateful. If you have a choice, you take the option.

As of today, cable gives us 2000kb/s download (stuff we get FROM the www) and 512kb/s upload (stuff we send THROUGH the www, like our voices on VoIP). This is really really exciting for us. Because now our families can hear us talking via VoIP without delays, echos, blank spots, cut-off calls. We are giddy. Kinda sad this is all it takes, isn't it?

Cable internet is ONLY available to innies: those of us in the heart of the central valley. Outies (everyone else) who have a phone line get DSL (hi-speed via phone line) if DSL is available in their area. If not, they go with dial-up. DSL is available in lots of places thru-out the central valley and in spots along the west coast. But there is no predicting where. For instance, it's not available at our house but is available just down the road... go figure. It just recently became available in a couple of towns on the Caribbean side.

Outie or innie, you pay a price. For outies, it's not having the service. For innies, it's getting the service. Getting the service at my house was a clusterfuck. If you live in Costa Rica, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. If you are moving to Costa Rica and don't know what I'm talking about, brace yourself. You are in for one of the biggest challenges to life here. Next to the roads and the bars (on the windows, not the corners).

Here, not only do you get to pay $70/month for the service, you earn the right to get the service by overcoming hurdles placed in your path. Sometimes as punishment for wanting to do it your way. More often because the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, making you want to pull your hair out.

Two prime factors complicating communications with any Costa Rican person or company, monopoly or private, created my hurdles. The first is that ticos don't want to give you bad news. Ever. About anything. So the answer to "Do you think it will rain today?" is always, "No!" Even as the first drop hits your nose. The second factor is that the person you are talking to believes s/he is absolutely 100% right and you don't need to confirm this info. The buck has stopped. They sound so positive you believe them.

NOTE: This second factor is not restricted to Costa Rican employees, of course. But in the states, the buck doesn't stop anywhere. You just get sent to voicemail hell until you hang up.

The adventure began Wednesday morning, 30 May 2007, when I called Amnet on a whim and asked the Customer Service Guy (CSG) if cable modem was available at my house yet. He looked up my direcciones and said, "Yes. A salesperson will call you within 24 hours to make an appointment to come to your house and sign the contract." I knew from getting TV service that once the contract was signed, they would make another appointment to have the service installed. Remember: paperwork is critically important, nothing will do but original signatures and everything takes waaaay more time than you think it will.

Deep down, I knew no one would call and I'd have to call again. At least once more. C'est la vie.

A week later, no one had called. I called again, repeating that I'd like cable modem, I had called a week before but no one had called. Being a trained actress, I successfully sounded surprised rather than annoyed. Annoyance will get you NOWHERE fast. Remember: this is how they do it. If you sound annoyed, they will be taken aback. They will wonder what your problem is - not arrogantly like in the states, but actually mystified. You will become the Customer Who Cannot Be Satisfied. And they stop trying to please you. It's that simple.

The CSG looked up my direcciones and said, "Yes, cable modem is available at your house. A salesperson will call you within 24 hours to make an appointment to come to your house and sign the contract."

Two days later, no one had called. So I call and go through the initial stages again. I am very pleasant. This time, the CSG looked up my direcciones and said, "Yes, you can have cable modem at your house. I will give you the name and phone number of your salesperson and you can get in touch with her directly. She is on vacation, I think, so I will also give you the name and number of the other salesperson for your area." Wow - this is great!

I call my salesperson. I guess she is indeed on vacation because she doesn't answer her cel and I leave a message. I call the other salesperson for my area and she answers. Alas, she is not for my area. She gives me the number of the guy in charge of my entire area. I am so pleasant when I call him. Alas, my pleasantry takes on an unpleasant edge when he tells me there is in fact no cable modem available in my area yet. They expect to have it in the next few weeks and I should please call him back in a month.

I hang up and do not scream or weep in frustration. Once you survive a few scenarios like this, you become immune to the emotional roller coaster. Pretty much. I plan to call back July or August and forget about it.

The next week Hal and I take off for Uvita. During our trip, the salesperson who was on vacation got back to work, got our message and called my cel to set up the contract appointment... Hal wisely did not disclose we'd been told service was not available to us. Then foolishly told her we were away and would she call back Tuesday? HA. Tuesday came and went, no phone call.

Did I mention I am persistent? Like a dog with a bone.

I waited a few more days because I am oh so patient and, 26 June, almost 30 days after my first phone call, I called again. I am very pleasant, like I'm calling for the first time. The CSG looked up my direcciones and said, "Yes, you can have cable modem at your house. A salesperson will call you within 24 hours to make an appointment to come to your house and sign the contract." This guy was SO efficient, I actually believed him. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I guess the call from the sales rep while we were in Uvita gave me renewed hope. Since it's only 24 hours, I wait by the phone...

Guess what? Twenty-four hours and no one calls. I called them on the dot of 24 hours, got the same CSG I spoke to the day before and, ojalá, WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT 2PM THAT DAY to sign the contract.

So. Is the service available here or not? I'm not making any bets until after the rep has been to my house and the contract is signed.

2pm. Ojalá, our girl shows up, we sign the paperwork. She says, "The installer will call you within 24 hours to make an appointment to come to your house and install the service."

Guess what? Twenty-four hours rolls around and no one calls. But someone does in 48. We make an appointment for 2 July to install. Yesterday, they showed up and delivered. OH. We are so happy. All is forgiven.

Getting the service may have been a clusterfuck but only as compared to how I would expect it to happen in the U.S. But, ojalá, I'm not in the U.S. and things are different here. In fact, for all my sarcasm, I prefer this system. Everyone here was well-intentioned, pleasant, honest. Each believed s/he had all the information needed. You learn, either quickly or not at all, that this is how they do it. Live with it.

My fellow bloggers and every expat I've met have all said this and it bears repeating: If you are moving to Costa Rica, you need patience and a sense of humor. Above all. Above ALL. I don't care how much money you have or who you think you are: if you don't have an abundance of patience and humor in your arsenal, you will never tolerate life here. I have a sense of humor. Impatience has made me forget it. If you want my advice, develop some of both. Living here is worth the effort.

The Bad News Just Keeps Rollin' In

Saturday morning, 8am, checking my email with the CBS News on... so far, a young man fell thru a hole in the ice while snowboarding and they can't find him, another guy was caught trying to kidnap two young boys ('cause he saw how well it worked out for the other guy?), a travel company went out of business losing all the money for a school trip. A Catch Me If You Can wanna be just got sentenced to 303 years in prison. And, of course, ho hum, more people dead in Iraq.

Now, I'm watching that commercial for the used car dealer with the good-looking, reasonable IRS agents. Aren't there truth-in-advertising laws anymore?

I switched to NBC thinking maybe CBS just had a depressed News Director selecting the stories this morning. Nope. NBC was doing an indepth report on the homeless in Denver with a guy crying actual tears because the situation is so desperate, kids not eating and all. Now the news anchors are chuckling over unintended skylights in upstate New York. People are losing their roofs because of the 100" of snow that's fallen there over 7 days. Not funny, guys. You get my Not the-least-Bit Compassionate vote.

A Muslim on the Terror Watch List was arrested while D.U.I. Aren't Muslims forbidden to drink? I mean, how much of a "fanatic" could this guy be?

Switching to ABC just in time for the only happy news: sports. Oh, no, wait: they are replaying over and over an ice skater whipping his skate into his partner's head, her laying on the ice sobbing. I've seen it from every angle now. Good. That should stay with me.

Back to CBS just in time to see them bragging about their hidden-camera interview of so-called abusers of the Medical Marijuana law. Get a life, guys. Who cares? Let 'em smoke dope. Who are they hurting? And what? There's no REAL news, you have to create some? I guess it's somehow fitting that they stole the reverse-sting idea from the DEA...

Which brings me to today's REAL question: what constitutes news? What do we need to know to keep on top of what's happening in our world? I'm so confused after years of this brainwashing, I really don't know. Yet. What I'm watching this morning is the most sensational news presented in the most sensationalized manner. Designed to grab your attention, appeal to the "I can't look away" in all of us... so you are still watching when the advertiser comes on. Like the used car guy.

Here's today's scarier question: is this what U.S. citizens want to see? It must be. Tell me it isn't so. Tell me this is what the networks think we want to see. That we really just want to see the facts. Even if it isn't true. Lie to me.

News in Costa Rica, like in most developing nations, is no better. On the news here, you witness every bloody, violent detail of car wrecks, dog attacks, you name it. I appreciate that there's no false modesty or pretense involved. Certainly no hidden-cameras creating news here. Yet.

My choice for news weekday mornings is CNBC. I don't understand most of it, but there are lots of colors and charts and cheerful anchors and CEOs talking about stock performances and ROIs. Correspondents shouting over the hoopla On The Floor. All happy, happy people. Stocks are exciting again. Sure, everyone refers to the certain correction coming right along, but they're having so much fun until then. Besides, if you are prepared for a correction, it won't hurt badly, right? Hey, it's only a timely correction, expected and all that. I want some of that glee. I'm going to CNBC right now. This newsday could use a reboot!

You Can Be Landline-Free!

If you have hi-speed internet and are using any phone service other than a Voice-over Internet Protocol, like Skype, you are throwing money away.

If you are moving to or just visiting a foreign country where hi-speed internet access is available, you really do need a VoIP service and a headset. You can plug into any computer and make calls to anywhere in the world. Or carry your laptop, even better.

If you don't have a VoIP when traveling outside your country, calls cost 25¢ to $2 per minute. Or more. During our first trip to Costa Rica, December '05, I had my cell phone. Everyone was amazed that it worked everywhere. HA! We were here for five days and my bill was $800. I only called to check on the boys and listings... That bill was a stunner.

Today, there are surely cheaper worldwide calling plans available. But with Skype, I pay 2¢ to 6¢ a minute for calls anywhere in the world. I have a U.S. phone number ($38/year including voicemail) to give out to my U.S. friends and family still trapped there. Calls to me can be forwarded to my Costa Rica cell phone from my Skype service. So far, no other phone company can beat these prices and services.

Can you use Skype even if you don't live abroad? WHY NOT?

While I was in KY, I had to set my mom up with a phone line. Because she no longer had a cell phone. Because Cingular screwed me (it was only good for them) and I stopped the service. Mom needs a phone, of course, so I set her up with Skype. Here's how:

First, I went to Office Max and bought her a headset, like a regular phone headset, with a microphone and earphones, $25 for a good one. Some sets say "Skype certified" on the box, but the truth is, you can use any headset and microphone, one piece or two. When I first started using Skype, I used a $2 mike from Office Max here and a $2 headset from an airline... anything will do. I'm sure the $350 Bose Noise-cancelling headphones would be really nice along with a Shure Karaoke Mike... but nobody needs that.

You can also just use a microphone to talk, then listen to your caller on your computer's speakers. Great if you live alone - I do this sometimes when the guys are elsewhere. You need to keep the volume down, though, so your caller doesn't have to listen to her voice feedback thru your mike.

Next, I went to Skype and downloaded the program to Mom's computer. The program shows up on the main page when you first visit Skype. She installed it, chose a user name and a password, and voilà! She's ready to call any other Skype user anywhere in the world. For free.

But wait! There's more. Can she call people who don't have Skype? SURE, with Skype Credit!

We go to the website and click on Skype Out (all these links are found at the very bottom of every page). We bought her $10 to start which, at 2¢ to 6¢ a minute, will last her a good long time! She's a member of my Skype Group so her balance is "topped off" every night (they have my credit card on file.) Plus, in January, Skype is starting a $15/year for all calls to the U.S. and Canada. It may be a price increase, but it's still damned hard to beat!

Now Mom can open up Skype on her desktop, put on her headset and call her non-Skype friends using the Skype dialpad - just tap in the numbers. There's a contact list to which you can add your Skype and non-Skype friends. If you use Outlook, Skype will automatically integrate with that.

But WAIT! There's more. Can all her non-Skype friends call her? YOU BET. With Skype-In.

Back at Skype online, choose the Skype-In link at the bottom. You select your desired area code, then choose a number you like. You can click "show me 10 more numbers" all day long till you find the combination you like... We bought Mom a phone number with a KY area code and unlimited voicemail for $38 for the year. Just like me.

So for less than $100, mom has a "landline" and a year's worth of long distance.

Wait! Can you use a regular phone? OF COURSE.

Actually, you need a special regular phone that has a usb plug at the end instead of the phone jack plug. Plug into one of your computer's usb ports - it rings like a regular phone, everything. The advantages are that you get to talk on a regular phone and you don't involve your computers headphone plug, so you can leave your iTunes speakers plugged in. The disadvantage to these phones is that they cost $60-$150.

Mom's other options for a landline were the local phone company for $45/month plus long distance. Or a cable company phone line for the same money. FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS A MONTH and NO long distance? That is outrageous. Wish I'd thought of it. Fortunately, she has cable internet so doesn't have to have a landline anyway.

Now Mom and I talk a LOT, practically for free, with me in another country! She is saving a bunch of money with cable hi-speed internet and Skype. She can turn off her computer and hence her phone at dusk when she goes to bed. She's not bothered by a phone ringing and she gets her voicemail in the morning. I done a good thang fer my mom. Surely, heaven's gates will open for me. In 2057, when phone calls are free.

The Cel Phone Bill

The difficulties associated with living in a developing nation is rich fodder for sarcasm and humor. It puts the "frustrating and hilarious" in our daily lives. As much as we are frustrated by these little difficulties, we've chosen to happily suffer them in exchange for the peace of mind and quality of life we've found in Costa Rica.

This morning, however, I am humbled by the common sense and ecologically-sensitive manner in which I was presented with my cel phone bill.

We got our cel phone at the end of August. The entire process took less than two hours and cost less then $70, including the phone: $25 to sign up, $8/month, plus a deposit. I asked how I would pay my monthly bill and my new friend, Alejandro, told me I would not receive a paper bill. That around the same time next month, I simply go to one of the many places where you can pay utility bills (most grocery stores and the national banks), give them my number and they would tell me how much.

Well, I've gone periodically since late September and asked about the bill. Just last night I was in the Auto Mercado [OW-toe mare-KA-do, a grocery store chain], went to the caja [KA-ha, cashier), gave her my cel number and asked if there was a balance due. "Nada," she told me.

Which I've been hearing for two and a half months now. What's up? Surely, I owe something. Or was Alejandro a better friend than I thought? (Nah. I wasn't that cute then. He should see me NOW, right?)

This morning, I received a text message. From ICE. It was my factura [fack-TOO-rah, receipt] for cobro [KO-bro, collection] that I must vence [VAN-say, conquer] by 12/15/06. The amount to be conquered is 3,560 colones, about $7.

This would be in stark contrast to my mom's Cingular bill. Those clever people at Cingular secretly - at least without telling me - did away with my mom's just-barely-affordable $59/month plan with nationwide calling, no roaming and 1000 minutes. And gave her the jokes-on-you 450 minutes per month plan for the same money. Plus $.45 for each additional minute. Mom's phone bill last month was $250. Let's just say Cingular has stopped working for me. When I read Dilbert in the morning, I think, "That must be Cingular HQ."

But text-messaging your bill! Short, sweet, sane, simple. And CHEAP. What a great idea. Odd how something so sensible would occur in a developing nation.

Hal, whose given name Harold means "army ruler" and who delights in the notion of conquering anything, will conquer the bill tomorrow. He also tried to explain how it's only cheap because it's so heavily subsidized, blah, blah, blah. But I did the mature thing, covered my ears and made boat motor noises till his lips stopped moving. Tell it to Cingular.

Operator, Give Me Information...

Information
Give me long distance
Long distance
Give me heaven...

But I digress. The point of this post is to share my new discovery: there IS information here in Costa Rica: dial 113! Today I got Pizza Hut's number and ordered pizza. Man, this is living. And why did I think there was no information number? Because the last time I asked a group of Expats In The Know, they pointed and laughed hysterically, shaking their heads "No!" Laughs on them. They gotta drive to pizza hut and get the number. "HA."

(Two, three)
Operator, Information
Give me Jesus on the line
Operator, Information
I'd like to speak to a friend of mine
Oh prayer is the number
Faith is the exchange
Heaven is the street
And Jesus is his name
Operator, Information
Please give me Jesus on the line

Operator, Information
Won't you tell me why
Tell me why
Operator, Information
Don't try to tell me
What number to call
My mother used this number
When I was very small
And everytime she dialed it
She always got 't call the
Operator, Information
Please give me Jesus on the line

Operator, Information
Please hurry if you can
Oh Operator, Information
Please connect me
With the man
Don't worry 'bout the money
You know I will pay the charge
Just give me on the line
I'm callin' from my heart
Operator, Information
Please give me Jesus on the line
Please give me Jesus on the line

Won't you please -
Give me Jesus - Give me Jesus on the line! Yeah!"

Manhattan Transfer (then there's the Jim Croce song, same name... different theme)...

Thing 2: Hablando Español!

In the great landscape of Things To Know When Moving to Costa Rica, you start with Thing 1 and Thing 2. I have heard people say you do not need to learn Spanish to live in Costa Rica. They must be selling real estate. You absolutely DO if you are going to thrive here.

Can you get by without it? Yes, particularly if you live in an area heavily populated by expats. Will your expat life be satisfying? No, it will be hellishing frustrating. You will miss 90% of the adventure because you won't know what 90% of the people are saying 90% of the time.

Besides, it is considered boorish to not even attempt to learn the native tongue. How often have I heard U.S. citizens complain about the Cubans living next door who refuse to learn English? Admittedly, their situation is different: they are refugees from a Communist regime and suffer acute denial about when and if they will ever be able to go home. Learning English would be a step towards admitting that will probably never happen. I have huge compassion for that.

But few of us are here out of anything but choice. If you suffer resistance to the idea, please set it aside and learn Spanish. The locals appreciate it and you'll get better service and better prices.

To be sure, learning Spanish is hard. Challenging, but not impossible. Jal is 56, I'm 51, the boys are 13 and 14. We are all making progress. After eight months, we can get around. If you put your mind to it, you can be speaking well enough to get around in probably four months. Even my mom at 75, who will be moving here in a few months, is jumping in, determined to learn!

You have lots of good options for learning the language: classes in Costa Rica, classes in your current home country, total immersion living with a Costa Rican family for a few weeks/months, and/or volunteering at a soup kitchen, turtle nesting habitat or some other worthy cause. There are a zillion schools here offering these services. Start here and here. We were happy with the Amistad Institute if you like this area of the country.

You can also try private tutoring, online classes, online tutorials, home study with a purchased program, flash cards, or date a tico. I have links to all the methods I can find. A couple of these links are google search results. Sorry, no tico dating service. Plenty of sex for hire masquerading as dating services. Which, I guess, is another option. The real dating services are probably all in Spanish anyway...

Different styles work for each of us in my family, so don't give up if one method doesn't work for you. Try 'em all. We did. Except for the dating thing. Jal won't permit it. He is so old-fashioned.

Count on taking classes at some point unless you are
1) under 5 years old,
2) disciplined enough to learn on your own, or
3) closely involved with a native speaker.

We started out with a two-week "immersion" class, the four of us together, four hours a day. This did not work for us – we all learn in totally different ways at totally different speeds. You can read the gory details here.

Next, Jal and I were tutored. We took three one-hour classes each week at the Amistad Institute ($45/week total). That was worth it. I found I did better going for a few weeks, then laying off for a few weeks, then going back. I needed time between sessions to let it all sink in. Otherwise, it was too overwhelming. Jal did this along with Spanish Power online tutoring. He gave up S.P. eventually. Effective, but pricey.

While the boys were going to St. Cecelia, we spent $300/month for a tutor there. Worth every penny. Ryan picked it up quickly. Mo had/has HUGE resistance to the whole notion. Maybe he feels like a refugee... in denial about being in a foreign country. After all these months, though, he is much more receptive.

We've made our best progress in one-on-one private lessons. And the more time you spend actually speaking the language, the more progress you make. It's like learning a musical instrument, you have to repeat the same phrases many, many times before it becomes easy. Make sure you get plenty of repetition, whatever method you use.

And don't be shy speaking when you go out. It is incredibly intimidating to open your mouth and try to speak Spanish to a native the first few times. You have to get over sounding and looking foolish. Because you will. I'm fearless - part of the acting thing, I guess. Looking foolish at first comes with the territory. But the guys have been a little more reluctant. Sending the boys into the grocery store or McDonald's alone helped break the ice. Our housekeeper brings Sebastian, her five year old, when she comes. The kid is fluent (imagine that), LOUD and talks non-stop. We spend 6 hours a week completely immersed!

OUR CURRENT TOOLS: Hugo's Verb book (buy it here), and a good electronic dictionary with a backlight. We have this one. It's very good, but there are better ones - the Merriam-Webster looks good, 5 stars, good price. Spend money on this - you will use it more than you can imagine!

We use the Pimsleur tapes (although lots of people told us Rosetta Stone is better - we already were doing the Pimsleur) and visit LoMas TV regularly. Both are excellent tools.

If I was just now moving here, I would get Christopher Howard's Guide to Costa Rican Spanish. You need a good Spanish phrasebook and Costa Rican Spanish is different from other countries. I have not read this book, but Mr. Howard is quite knowledgeable on the subject. I would bet this covers the basics nicely!

Learning Spanish ain't for sissies. But then, neither is being an expat. Costa Rica and its people are worth the effort. Understanding what is being said around you is THE critical element to overcoming feelings of isolation and culture shock. iPura vida!

Who Thought of This?

The Spanish word esposo [e-SPO-so] means husband. One meaning. The Spanish word esposa [e-SPO-sa] means wife. It also means handcuffs. You KNOW a guy thought of this.

***********

OKAY OKAY: I stand corrected. Fortunately, I'm used to this living with teenagers. But shoot! It was funny to think esposa means handcuffs! I thought it did, but in rechecking my yahooligans, I see that the plural of a word can make ALL the difference:

Ticogrande says:

"Actually Spanish fans... it goes more like this:

Esposa is wife (but never handcuffs)

Esposo is husband

Esposas is Handcuffs and not wives

Embarazada is pregnant but does not mean embarrassed

Embarrass is verguenza  "que verguenza" = how embarrassing."

Muchachos Grande

Wherever we go, everyone assumes the boys are ticos. And wondering why these great looking tico kids are dragging around those dumb old pasty-faced gringos... Pretty amusing.

It gets really hysterical when the local doing the assuming speaks rapid-fire Spanish to the boys, with a head nod toward the 'rents. Ryan gets it for the most part, and can answer back. Watching realization dawn that these boys are not ticos AND we are their parents... Well, it's confusing enough in the states. Here, there's another layer of assumptions to get thru...

Ryan is so good at Spanish these days. He and Hal are doing the translating for me and Mo. Mo just stands there with a stunned look on his face. The deer in the headlights. Like he never heard Spanish before. It's amazing... I thought it would be the other way around. But Ryan is plowing ahead, picking up the language. Mo knows more than he lets on, but he is loathe to do any lettin' on. Except in the food court.

And except the other day when he came home from school with a big grin on his face and told me how much Spanish he spoke that day. Apparently there is a new girl in school. She is way cute and only speaks Spanish. FINALLY. Mo's been pretty cheerful the last few days actually...

Saturday morning in Costa Rica. A cold rainy day; I'm wearing a sweatshirt and thick socks. I love this weather!!! It's not depressing when it rains here because everything is so green. GREEN like you've never seen it. Even when the sky is black, the landscape is just a slightly different shade of green. It's so beautiful. Like rain on the ocean in Key West.

Still no TV - we rarely miss it - so the boys play a little basketball between showers, Hal is taking them to the Farmer's Market in Alajuela, I'm answering emails, doing some Key West MLS research. A nice quiet weekend day. Lovely. iQué tenga un buen día! [Have a good day!]

No One To Bribe

Guess what? There is NO DSL at the new house. Notice I'm not calling it "our" new house anymore, am I? In my conversation with I.C.E. (Eee-say, the government monopoly that controls ALL the phone lines and ALL related services), when the Customer Service rep told me installation would be "in 45 days", what she meant to say was "not in your lifetime". It turns out there is no DSL service in that area. Anywhere. No clue as to when it will get there either. We are talking Big Time mañana land here. Sigh. I knew this going in. Don't say I didn't warn myself!

We can't live in a house without DSL. Even if we weren't hooked on the internet and blogging and email, we can NOT live without Skype. Skype is my lifeline to the states. I talk to my mom, my sister-in-law, Gil, Mary. I'd talk to Penny if she would answer the phone. I talk to everyone via Skype. That leaves the new house out. It was a sad day when we realized this. Not that we don't love the finca, but our house here is tiny. It's like we're all sleeping in the same room. Me, my husband and two Clydesdales.

So back to househunting? No. Househunting was unbelieveably depressing. I wish I had pictures of some of the places we saw, but I was too depressed to take out the camera. Why would I want a picture? Turns out, I am definitely a spoiled first-world dweller. Who knew? (Ok, ok... everybody knows.)

We have a great real estate agent, Luis Urrutia, who is a tico and spent years in the states, so not only is he bi-lingual, but he "speaks our language". He knew what we were looking for and went out of his way to find it. And Luis is actually a REALTOR®, licensed in the states and everything. In Costa Rica, there is no MLS. No Association of REALTOR®s. No Association. No REALTOR®s. In fact, no pesky licensing laws at all. If you want to be a "realtor", you simply say you are one. Voila! Not that licensing in any profession will protect you from a scheister. Look at Bush. But at least if there is an association, you have associates to call to see who has listings.

So to househunt, Luis and his partner, Elvie, drove the streets and called on signs, called all the people they knew who might have a lead and did whatever else they could think of. They did great: we saw about 20 houses over the course of 3 weeks. Tragically, they all had fatal flaws: big enough, but dark with no yard. Or brand new with a 15' high cement block wall all around the property with razor wire at the top. Like a prison yard on TV. Petty theft is rampant here so all the houses have bars on the windows and all the fences have barbed/razor wire around the perimeter. It ain't pretty but you get used to seeing it. Living in it is a different story.

Then there's the house we saw that a young man had built in his backyard: a beautifully finished huge home with lots of bathrooms, huge master suite, large kitchen, washer/dryer, and a big picture window in the dining/living room area. A picture window that looked across a desolate alley into a junkyard. A junkyard where his friends worked. I guess they were his friends, because as we were staring out the window in dismay, they all stared back. One of them finally waved. I think it was a wave. The kicker was that the master bedroom had a huge wall that faced a gorgeous view over the valley. A huge wall that had NO window.

Not only that, but the builder told us he ran out of money and would finish the kitchen as soon as we paid the first month's rent. See? Depressing on many levels.

And we are sick of looking. As long as you are looking for a house, you aren't really living where you are. Blooming where you are planted, so to speak. You are in limbo: you'll buy those dishes when you move, a nice plant for the front porch, new sheets, put up the wall hanging... all that sort of thing. We are sick of living in limbo!

So we are staying at the finca. It's ok: we LOVE the finca!!! Now we can finally buy a piano. Living without a piano is just not really living at all.

Guess What Else? Our landlord realizes how small this house is. She's never had a family stay here before, she's always had couples. She is so happy we are staying that she is enclosing the porch so we have a real dining room and living room. AND she is enclosing part of the carport so we have a guest bedroom. This will make a huge difference to us. So we get to stay with the 10 great dogs on the finca, we get to keep this magnificent view, no barbed wire in sight (hey, with 10 dogs, you don't even need a real fence). We are comfortable here, and soon to be waaaay more comfortable. Plus, it's familiar now. Familiar is very very good.

Guess What Else? No building permit. You just think to yourself, "Hey, I think I'll enclose my porch on my property that I own." And then you do it. I absolutely love this about Costa Rica! No pesky Code Enforcement guys driving past your house day and night, making notes, requesting entry, looking for a Ben Franklin to overlook an outlet not up to code... Not that I've ever experienced any of that, but just making an observation. I guess I watch too much TV.

One last note about DSL in Costa Rica: all those properties we looked at did not have internet yet and all those landlords were certain they could get it. I'm sure they believe they can, but it just ain't necessarily so. Our landlord has 4 houses on her property. Our house has DSL, but she's been waiting 3 months for the little house not 50 feet away to have it installed... We're just lucky, I guess.

We are off to Granada tomorrow 6am. Granada, it turns out, is in Nicaragua. I spent an hour on the phone yesterday trying to find information on how to get to Granada Guatamala. My internal compass is busted, ok? I'm trying to get that fixed. In the meantime, look forward to blogs and photos from Granada. It sounds pretty fabulous! I'll keep you posted. xoxo Saratica

Mañana Land vs The Type A

THE PLAYERS   The Type A is played by me. Mañana Land is personified exquisitely by I.C.E. (eee-say), the government monopoly that controls the phone lines and - tears are streaming down my face - access to the World Wide Web.

THE PROBLEM   We were supposed to move into our new house today, BUT no internet. I can GET internet at my new home, dsl via the phone line. As opposed to cable which is faster and what we were promised by our new landlord... but, hey, this is a third world country. We are thrilled with dsl!

Anyhoo, I called Eee-say, got all signed up. I asked "When?" There was the briefest moment of silence, then she said "45 days." I moment-of-silenced her back, then said "Great, ok. I guess I'll be hearing from you." And hung up.

I was a math major in college before I switched to drama: 45 days is > 6 weeks. I also grew up in Key West, Florida where I learned all the subtleties of Mañana Land. Forty-five days means more likely sixty to ninety. That's two to three months, in case the math is getting thick here...

THE SOLUTION  Pollyanna, who has not really been needed till now, wakes and stretches. "Don't worry, babe, there is someone to bribe." OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of that? This is a socialist country, bribery is a way of life. And here, unlike in the states where you have to be all "hush hush" about it, we do it in the open. In fact, we are quite proud of it. When I find someone to pay to install my dsl line, I won't have to sneak around, worry about a trial or being arrested. It's how the system works.

EPILOGUE  So I'm off to find someone to bribe. I'm pretty excited about this: my indoctrination into the underworld, the black market of dsl installers, the shady side of life... it will probably look just like the sunny side. Only darker. Next thing you know, I'll be gambling and you'll have to come down here and drag me away from the slots. The one thing leads to the other, you know.

I'll keep you posted...